Sunday, November 20, 2011

&%$#@!


I swear like a motherfucker. At least, I presume a motherfucker would swear quite a bit. What's he got to lose? Certainly not his dignity or social standing (Cue angry letters pointing out sensitive origin of the term). All right, more like a trucker. Or sailor (Cue indignant responses from legions of wholesome truckers and sailors). Anyway, I swear a fuck of a lot, and I don't understand why people give a shit. Well, not being a complete idiot, I understand the arguments. I just don't buy them. Except, perhaps, the one that points out that the more you swear, the less power those words will hold. Which brings me to my point: These words should not hold the power to shock anyone.

What is a swear word? What constitutes a word that should never be uttered in proper society, in front of children, or, God forbid, in church? Let's have a look:

George Carlin, rest his soul, pointed out several of the main offenders in a classic bit of comedy, "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television." His list included: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Several years previously, Lenny Bruce said he had been arrested for uttering these same words on stage, as well as the culprits ass and balls (I relish any confusion that last sentence may create for the reader). So let's see here – shit, piss, fuck, ass, balls, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. We left out dick, unless you count cocksucker. Which is not quite the same, really, so let's put our cock in there, shall we? Shit, piss, fuck, ass, balls, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits and cock. Dick? Cock. Let's go with cock, Dick. These are pretty much all the real swears there are, not including synonyms. We'll obviously exclude all the weak-ass near-swears like bastard and bitch and their ilk. And I guess there's always taking the lord's name in vain, but Jesus, that one is just fucking stupid. I just have to assume that after being around forever, God would be a bit more mature than to worry about a little name calling.

So, let's examine these terrible words. Shit and piss can be rolled into one. If you're into that sort of thing. Careful who you let in on that, though. It's generally considered more offensive than swearing, even. Same with balls, ass, cunt and cock. And since this is where all the shit and piss comes from, I guess they're all one shitty, pissy, stinky family. That leaves us with fuck, tits, cocksucker and motherfucker. “But wait”, you might say. “Why is (are?) tits still hanging around? Don't they belong with ass, balls, cock and cunt?” Well, yes and no, I'd say. In as much as they are body parts, yes. But does anyone really use tits as a swear these days? Well, I guess it's just about as bad as balls . . .all right, I guess we can cram our tits into the pile of genitals and what have you over there. Hmm . . . that's hot.

So, here we are, with our pile of dirty parts and the leftovers: cocksucker, motherfucker, and fuck. I'd have to say that the sucker and the fucker are really just derivative and repetitious, and since cock has been put in its place, here we are at fuck.



Fuck. The F-Bomb. Generally considered to be the mother of all swear words. To me, it epitomizes swear words. What does it mean? What does it stand for? What does it do? Well, I think we all know what it means, and how to do it, for the most part. One could argue that it's the whole mission of life, and not just for drunken frat boys. Without fucking, we wouldn't be here arguing about it. Perpetuation of the species, motherfucker. That's what it's all about. It's the goal. And on that note, let's go back and have a look at all that filth we just stacked up.

Shit, piss, ass, cock, cunt, balls, tits, and fuck. The essentials. Not just essential swear words, I would say to you, but the essentials of life itself. The building blocks of life, without which there would be no life. 

Check it:

Shit and piss. If you don't shit and piss, you are gonna die. It's that simple.

Ass, cock and cunt. If you don't shit and piss, you are gonna die. And these are the tools of the trade. Also, cocks and cunts are the main ingredients in fucking, and if nobody's fucking, you ain't gonna live to die of not pissing. No shit.

Balls and tits. The dangly bits. You gotta have balls to make the fucking work properly, and once you have, if there's no tits, it ain't gonna last. You dig? Balls make babies, tits feed them. The circle of fucking life.

At the top of the pyramid, fuck itself. Fucking makes the world go round. Without fuck, you ain't got shit.

So, if you have a problem with swearing, tough shit. You're fucked. That's life.




2 comments:

  1. Capital A for Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That sums it up nicely. Fuck, however is thought to be vulgar as was 'Drat' in the 1920's. Vulgarity is the essence of swearing. (Hmm... spell check does not recognize the word cunt ). If I were to truly insult someone, swearing is not necessary as the descriptive "felcher" combines an implied derogative and vulgarity that few other words carry. And labelling someone with a swear word is the best use, because as adjectives they have lost the shock value and punch they once had. Drat.

    ReplyDelete

Drop me a line. Let me know how awesome or shitty you think I am. I can take it.