Saturday, March 26, 2011

Man's Best Friend Part 2

People think I hate dogs. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm always bitching about dogs (See what I did there? I'm so proud.). But nothing could be further from the truth.

Well, actually, I guess there are probably quite a few things further from the truth than that. (Does the word 'further' seem like the deformed hillbilly brother of the word 'farther' to you?) The truth is, I'm not as big a fan of dogs as I used to be. When I was a kid, I had a succession of really great dogs, and they were my best friends in the world, to be sure. I would go so far as to say that I am a better person for having known them, and that my quality of life as a child and a young man was greatly enriched by their companionship. And I suppose if I had a place to live that I felt had enough room for a dog to live comfortably, I would have me a dog. So really, I don't hate dogs. Not by a long shot.

I just hate your dog.

God, I hate your dog. Your dog barks all night. Then it barks all fucking day. It barks at you when you tell it to stop barking. It barks at me when I aim my pretend gun at it. It doesn't come when you call it. It doesn't even know that word has anything to do with it. It craps where I step. It just isn't contributing in any positive way to society as a whole, or even in part.. Your dog sucks.

Now, before you go whipping up an angry comment all about how your dog is smarter than every other fucking thing on the planet, and your dog would never do this and your dog always does that and your dog your dog your dog – stop. For just a second. I have two things to say to you.

A) If your dog is the most amazing, well-behaved, brilliant, and utterly worthwhile animal you could ever imagine anybody never having a problem with, I am obviously not talking to you. There is no possible way I could have a beef with your blue-ribbon winning freakhound.

B) It is a scientific fact that nobody who owns a dog would ever believe that their dog could be anything other than the most amazing, well-behaved, brilliant, and utterly worthwhile animal etc. So I probably am talking about your dog and I just don't want to deal with your retard dog owner bullshit.

Renowned local dog owner/expert/cross dressing chanteuse Steve Smard of Big Smoke, B.C., recently rocked the dog hating community with this controversial haiku:

you see a bad dog.

look at the end of the leash.

the end with no dog.

As difficult as it is to swallow, Smarm, I mean Smard, makes an excellent point. The dog isn't the problem.

You are.

I said as much in my first apparently anti-dog post. But sadly, when your dog is put down for being fucked, we can't lie you down beside it when it's buried.

Today, my kids and I went out for a walk with friends at a local park. We saw and did some cool fun stuff, then left. On the way out, we saw a person with a couple of dogs. We told our kids to stay close to us because sometimes dogs get excited and might knock you down blah blah blah, the usual things I tell them when we see strange dogs. What I really meant was “Watch out, these people and/or animals might be completely worthless and/or dangerous”. A sentiment many dog owners are immediately defensive about. Anyway, sure enough, when we get close something or other happens and one of the dogs starts barking and charges at my son who is out in front of us. The person with the dogs grabs hold of the other dog, while I do my best to make the first beast fuck off from a distance with my youngest boy in tow. The other parent accompanying me is livid, and tears viciously into the douchebag dog owner who responds brilliantly with the non-sequitor “It's okay, I have a son!” This indicates to me that the person is a complete moron in a complete panic.

What exactly about you having a son is okay? It's okay because after your dog mutilates my kid I can have a go at yours? It's okay because I can take your son after mine is wrecked by your dog? It's okay because you have someone to carry on your family name after I murder you for this debacle? In fact there is nothing okay about you having a son. You can't even handle having a goddamn pet, you gigantic ass.

While maintaining a tenuous hold on the other now snarling and growling animal, the dolt struggles to come up with something to explain their stupidity. “His collar broke”, it offers, indicating the menacing animal that actually had nothing to do with the attack. Oh, fantastic. Dog A broke its collar, so dog B decided to eat my kid? I haven't even smashed you in the head yet, and you already don't make any sense. While this is happening, the mental defective attempts to distract the first dog by throwing its ball down the path of the park. The attempt is desperate and feeble and results in the ball bouncing in the air above us and heading straight for my youngest son, age 3. I struggle with my homicidal impulses, but move to defend my offspring instead. When all is said and done, we make it past and head for our vehicle. My companion is still spewing vitriol at the nincompoop, and I find myself having to calm him down in order to get a tirade in edgewise. The clown is still desperately trying to defend the situation with some indecipherable and probably inane propaganda. I tell it to shut the fuck up and take responsibility. Instead it takes both its wonderful off leash dogs into the park. I walked away wishing that my children weren't with me so I could follow the shithead in and come out wearing its skin.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I don't hate dogs. I just hate a lot of them. And I know they aren't to blame, but in the end that doesn't matter. They still suck. I hate the vicious pit bull wearing the giant spiked collar, and I hate the muscle bound, shirtless, gold chain and blade style sunglass wearing drug dealing roid monkey who owns it. And it's the fault of his Wal Mart shopping, Springer watching, track pant wearing, Bud Lite guzzling, Oprah worshipping trailer park dwelling parents that I do. And so on. In the end, I suppose we could blame society, but I can't kick society in the balls when it hurts my kid.


  1. I feel the same way.

  2. i get your point, but would like to say just one thing (and a lot of peeps don't really get this, nor pass this info on to their progeny).

    many dogs feel that it is their job to alert their owners of a perceived "threat" or whenever someone they don't know is coming toward them (hence the barking and bluff-charging). when dogs do this most peeps tense up, get protective, and really just exacerbate the whole situation. to be sure some dogs are trained to be attack dogs, and it is only prudent to be defensive. but for the other 99% of the dogs out there (and i'd hedge a bet this includes the incident you just mentioned), they aren't going to do anything to you. a quick rule of thumb which i always follow is this: if a dog charges at you and is barking, look at its tail. if it's wagging, you'll be fine. just ignore it, or be friendly and the dog will calm down. i think this should be common knowledge for all children trying to make sense of the world.

    but yeah, the owner still has a responsibility to curb such behaviour, or at least have a good recall.

  3. this is good advice, and i appreciate it. i agree that people should be more educated on how dogs work since they are one of the most common animals we encounter on a daily basis. when shit goes down, you need all the tools you can get at your disposal. but irresponsible pet owners really piss me off. stepping in dogshit is a pissoff, and having a threatening dog in my kids face is about the most infuriating situation i've had to deal with in a long time. i'm sure they piss you and other responsible pet owners off too.

    on the same tip, i was charged by a gigantic rottweiler once. it was old, and just doing like you said, and it turned out fine. i knew exactly what to do when confronted by a dog like that, but in those few short seconds i completely forgot it all and started to flee backwards as fast as i could in a total panic and nearly pissed my pants. i dunno if a kid would fare any better than i did unless they were around the animals all the time.


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