Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It's What's Between The Buns That Counts!

I just got back from the local Dairy Queen. I like to take my kids there. They have an old jukebox that plays 45's and they change them up sometimes. There's a big display case full of memorabilia and movie props from the 50's. One wall of the place has blowups of pages from a local 1950's highschool yearbook and pictures of the owner of the place meeting the Beach Boys. Almost every time I go there I get served by the same old German woman who always gets my order wrong, even after we go over it three times. All in all, a pretty cool place for a fast food joint.

Today my wife and I both worked and neither of us had the slightest desire to cook. So I gathered up the kids and tromped down to the DQ to pick up some cheeseburgers for the clan. A sign declared the Dairy Queen had a special deal on, two cheeseburgers for $3.99. “Well, that just sounds all right with me” I thought, and figured I'd load up on a bunch of two cheeseburger meals. Then I noticed at the bottom of the sign it said 'add a soft drink and fries for $4.48'. “Well, that just sounds fucked up to me” I thought, and figured I'd do a little addition. Sure enough, shit was fucked up. If you ordered the 'special deal' you paid $8.47. If you did the math and ordered differently, you paid about 40 cents less per meal. Now, you could say “Gee, that ends up being a savings of about a buck twenty on the three meals you ordered. Who cares about a buck twenty?”. But if you did say that, I would tell you to fuck off and never return or I would eviscerate your entire family, because a) it's not a dollar you saved, it's a dollar some motherfucker tried to steal from you. And b) did you not watch Superman III? It's all about levels. They steal a dollar off every chump who doesn't care, all under the guise of implied savings, and make out like bandits because almost nobody will bother to check, and almost no one who does check will bother to care. This is why people like me climb clock towers with high powered rifles.

Did you ever see the movie 'Falling Down' starring Michael Douglas? That was a great movie. Especially the scene when he goes into the fast food restaurant and orders breakfast. After an irritating encounter with the manager during which he is told he is too late to order breakfast, the protagonist pulls a gun, lectures him on customer service, and decides to order lunch. When it arrives, he is angrily disappointed at the dissimilarity between his “sorry, miserable, squashed thing” and the delicious sandwich portrayed on the menu: “it's plump, it's juicy, it's three inches thick”. What fast food customer hasn't had this very thought? Now, granted, when you order fast food, you know you're going to receive a meal which should never have existed anywhere but the most unholy of realms in the first place. But they just out and out lie to you about what you're gonna get. It's bullshit. Many people feel they should be getting the wonderful hamburger pictured on the board above the poor shmuck in front of him, like Foster in 'Falling Down'. But I disagree. I just think they should have to post a picture of the shitburger they're actually going to serve you. And not lie to you about what a steal it is.

I remember when I was a teenager, the Dairy Queen in William's Lake made their employees, who were all teenage girls, wear t-shirts bearing the slogan 'It's what's between the buns that counts!' I shit you not. As distasteful and hilarious as this sounds, it's ringing true today. Because what's between my buns is the Dairy Queen's big old strap on Dilly bar, and she's giving me a real 'special deal.' My King Don for some soft serve . . .


  1. bahahahahaha...
    ok BUT- are you sure it wasn't 4.48 for a burger fries and a soft drink? not 4.48 extra for them...really I can't believe they would charge 4.48 for a soft drink and fries...
    but regardless it fueled a tirade that ended with the image of a dilly bar strap on-- which is alright by me.
    Rhude Dawg

  2. I'm all about saving money. I'm one of those coupon clipping weirdos. I spend over an hour grocery shopping just to save a few bucks. And fuck gas prices! They are screwing with the pricing of EVERYTHING.

  3. amen, sister. you haven't heard the last of me on this topic. not by a long shot . . .

  4. shivers up my back bone.

  5. You're right about that rant. Almost had my Falling Down moment last night at the convenience store. There was a more-than-slight discrepancy between the price tag and the red scanner price. Too bad I wasn't armed and dangerous. :))


Drop me a line. Let me know how awesome or shitty you think I am. I can take it.