Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Future is Friendly. But It's Always a Day Away.

My cell phone and I are having relationship problems. I guess they started when I signed a contract stipulating that for three years it could treat me as though we were roommates in prison and I was the bitch. Ergo, I now pay through the nose for the privilege of being boned in the ass. The worst part about how we hooked up is the fact that our relationship is based on a lie. A lie told to me by the filthy sow who sold me the contract -- a malignant dungbeetle of a woman who told me that if I signed up for three years, something I would never have done under any ordinary circumstances, my phone would be covered with a full replacement warranty. Extraordinary. Full replacement warranty, the rancid fartsniffer told me. She then went on to explain to me that full replacement warranty meant if anything happened to my phone, they would replace it with no questions asked.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sta Uot uv mi HUOS

My three year old (C__) brought me this today. He informed me that it was drawn by his brother (J__), who is six.

The text, obviously, reads: “C__ – PlEES. Sta. Uot. uv mi HUOS”. To the untrained eye, this may appear a bit cryptic.

Monday, February 7, 2011


Well, I did it. I started a twitter account. It felt like I was pissing into the ocean and hoping someone on the other side of the world noticed, but I figure if one person reads my stuff because of it, it will be worth it. Well, maybe not one person. Let's face it, that doesn't exactly amount to a wave of renown. But maybe that one person will be the pope, and he'll retweet it to all his friends, and I will become the next big thing in catholic entertainment. The pope will follow my blog; we'll get to know each other through banter in the comments section, and the next thing you know I'll be summering at the Vatican, knockin' 'em dead with my pope jokes: