Saturday, January 22, 2011

Man's Best Friend

                   image © perry bible fellowship

Front page news today in the hub city: 'Buddy, Maggie Top Names For Dogs.”

Because I'm not much of a dog person, I don't really care.
Because I'm an intelligent person, I really don't care.
Here we go. Let's talk about 'Dog People.'

1 – You don't know what your dog is thinking. Or 'saying'.

You can guess. You can pretend. You can wish really, really hard. But you don't really know, in the incredible detail you think you do, what your dog is 'saying' to you . . . You know why? Because his capabilities of speech are rudimentary. At best.
He's lucky if he can howl out something that 3 million people will believe sounds like 'I love you', but the rest of us could have done without being shown on youtube. And now you're howling yourself, crowing about how you know your dog so well, that you have a special bond that allows you to understand blahblahblah. You are crazy.

2 – I don't really want to hear about your dog.

Mostly because you're going to tell me what he's thinking. And you don't actually know. You are crazy. Also, whatever thing he's done that is sooooo cute is not going to impress me. Sorry. Also, whatever thing he's done that is sooooo smart is not, when compared to almost anything, actually all that smart. What did he do? Work out a complex equation? Learn to fly a plane? No. He asked to be let out so he didn't crap on the floor. And he didn't do it in words. By your reckoning, you are a genius because you recognized his frantic scratching as a sign that he wanted out. Welcome to Mensa, you two.

3 – Your dog doesn't listen to you, or answer to his name when called.

This makes him, and you, extra stupid. “Titan! Titan! Titan, no! Titan! Sit, Titan! Sit! No! No! No! Titan, no! Titan! Titan! He never does this. Titan! Titan! Titan! Titan! Bad Dog! No! Titan! Titan!” Bad human.

4 – You are not quite as bad or crazy as cat people. But don't let it go to your head.

They are the craziest people on earth.

5 – You ruined your dog.

I wouldn't be here writing this if you had actually trained your dog. Because dogs are great pets/friends when properly trained. There oughta be a law.

6 – Your dog shits on my lawn/sidewalk.

And if I ever catch you letting this happen, I'm going to feed it to you. For real. Bon appetite, dick.


  1. I have a dog. A dog I love. He is a smart dog.Smarter than many of the folks I encounter on a daily basis. I had 2 little dog puppies.
    "Had" is the imperative word here. They were not smart.
    Although you do not want to hear of this, I am telling you anyway. Most likely due to the fact I am crazy. But not as crazy as cat people.
    Also, I enjoy allowing my 135 pound beast unleash his gigantic coil upon my neighbors ever so carefully manicured lawn. If they tried to make me eat it, that would make for a fun event I assure you.
    My neighbor, I should mention, is a private school for the extremely wealthy. They are also my landlords.
    Man, I should start a blog!

  2. We have a dog, we didn't want him, our kids did, we thought they would look after him, they don't,he pee's and poo's in the house sometimes, this makes us really regret our decision.
    He is "cute" and sometimes he cuddles up and we think " oh, he's not that bad", then he pisses on the floor. Learn from us and don't let your kid's con you into getting a dog,they knew we were weak and tired from having so many of them (kid's,4) and that our judgment was cloudy. :(

  3. mikhel: i fully endorse using your dog as a weapon in the class war. and starting a blog.

    dandelion: as i learn from your mistake, you must also endeavour never to let those little bastards get the upper hand again. you lost a battle, but not the war . . .

  4. "Titan" is a very fine name, for a person or a dog.

  5. I can't wait for your post about "cat people"...

  6. i am delighted to have been connected via facebook to this blog.


Drop me a line. Let me know how awesome or shitty you think I am. I can take it.